Date: 10/18/14 07:49 pm Title: Chapter 1
i like reader's personality a lot. i can definitely relate to her cynical outlook on romance as i think most people have been at that point some time in there life. it's interesting seeing kurama getting under her skin already without even trying. i really wanna learn more about reader's past, esp since you mentioned bruises when she was younger and such.
Date: 08/16/14 12:39 pm Title: Chapter 1
That I was a pretty solid opening chapter. I really enjoyed it, and I’m pretty excited to see where this story goes. Now, onto the critique part. I hope you don’t take this as me picking apart your story. There are just a few things I want to point out, but remember that I’m really enjoying this and looking forward to more. Oh, and when I’m talking about the main “you” character, I’m just going to call her the Reader. If I’m talking about people actually reading the story, I’ll just call them readers with a lowercase “r.” Okay, let’s get started.
The first thing was that I had to pay close attention to the different original characters to get a solid grasp on who’s who. I backtracked a couple times to make sure I knew who they were and how they relate to the Reader, but I got the hang of it pretty quickly.
"A sudden chill racked your body, and goosebumps erupted all over your skin. Slowly, you turned your head to observe your surroundings. The only time such an ominous feeling hit you was when there was a spirit of a dead person close to you. Since you could remember, you could always sense ethereal beings, and as you grew older, your sixth sense of the paranormal only became stronger."
This was a very abrupt shift in tone. I feel like there should’ve been more buildup, including more description of her physical and mental reactions. I was completely unprepared for that shift in tone, and I feel like, through just a little more description, you could’ve avoided the very blunt statement of, “...when there was the spirit of a dead person close to you.” I’m trying to keep this critique short, but sometimes, I’m extremely verbose. Anyway, allow me to continue. I think just by describing how the Reader-character feels, and then describing how people just pass through the boy, would be more effective. That way, all the clues add up for the readers, and they’re able to figure out that the boy is a ghost without actually having to say it. I feel like the paragraph right after this one maybe should’ve come first, since it does contain more description about the ghost. Also, saying that the only time she has an ominous feeling is when there’s a spirit of a dead person nearby raised some questions for me. Not everyone who dies is a bad or threatening ghost, so what if she’s around a nice or calm ghost? I really would’ve liked to hear more about her past with being able to sense spirits.
Okay, onto the next part.
“Why do they follow, anyway?”
You shrugged. “I don’t know. Probably because I can communicate with them, and they want somebody to help them.”
If you believe in the supernatural, this is actually true. Spirits are drawn to those they know can at least hear them. They're even more attracted to people who can actually communicate with them.
The last thing I want to touch on is the ending conversation between Kurama and Kuwabara. Does being spiritually aware automatically mean she’s a target for demons? I mean, Kuwabara has been spiritually aware his entire life (if I’m remembering correctly, as it’s been a while since I’ve watched the entire show), and some ghosts harassed him, but I don’t think any demons came after him. So, does the Reader have any abilities besides being able to see these ghosts? Can she communicate with them? Does she know how to focus or channel any of her spiritual power? These are just the questions I was thinking about. It seems a little rushed that Kurama agrees to keep an eye on her just because she can see spirits.
Other than that, like I said before, I really enjoyed this. I certainly like your other stories, and I enjoy your writing style. So, keep up the good work. I’m really excited to see where this goes.
I always get super nervous when I see a long review... I automatically think it's bad. xD Writer's PTSD. >.>
I tried to keep the OCs to a minimum, but I needed someone to help drive the story during the low points (Sakura) and someone to connect Reader to the YYH cast (Mariko). The others - Reader's parents and sister and Reader's dance instructor - won't be playing a huge role right away, so hopefully it'll be easier to keep track of them since I won't be springing everyone into a main role at once.
Yesss, the shift in tone. D: I noticed it, too, and I sat here fiddling with it, trying to fix it. But I couldn't figure anything out, so I just posted it. I was stressing over it way too much. And I probably should have chosen a different word other than "ominous." It doesn't quite fit what I was trying to convey.
"Why do they follow, anyway?" - I'm actually missing the word "you" in that, but you pointed it out for an entirely different reason. xD Thanks!
With the whole spiritually aware - target for demons thing, I was thinking more along the lines of this. In my opinion, I feel like demons don't go after weak nobodies. They like going after those with power so they can prove themselves. I think the only way they can do that is by sensing someone's spirit energy (Stupid question, but is spirit energy completely different from demon energy? I mean, the demons could sense Kuwabara and Yusuke - I know he's a Mazoku - and they aren't demons). Kuwabara also couldn't actually SEE ghosts, at least right away (I think. It's been a while). He could just sense them. Reader can actually see them, so she has definite latent abilities that demons would come after her for if they ever escaped into Human World, which is why Kurama and Kuwabara are concerned. She has no way of protecting herself, that Kurama, Kuwabara, and the readers know about, anyway (but I know about, mwahahaha!). Second, I can't imagine every demon in Human World is very happy with Yusuke, Kurama, and Kuwabara, despite there being a truce of sorts. I'm sure there are some (idiotic) demons that would try to go after them, and if they run into Reader in the process, well, not good for her. xD
I'm rambling now, and I'm pretty sure none of that made sense. The previous paragraph is also just my take/opinion on things, so you may look at it differently than I do. I may have to pull out my blurays and re-watch the series while I continue to work on this story. It's been a couple months since I last watched it, so it's a little fuzzy.
Thank you so much for the review! I really do appreciate the constructive criticism and will be fixing the things that you pointed out sometime this weekend (and will try not to kill myself over the tone shift).
Date: 08/14/14 11:56 pm Title: Chapter 1
Oh my goddess, this is so freaking good! I love the reader character, and really love her friend Sakura. I like how everything was introduced, it built up very nicely and now I'm itching to know more! The length is very good, I like it.