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Story Notes:

I do not own Mass Effect nor any of its affiliated characters and settings. Any original characters, original settings, and the plot are the property of myself.

Author's Chapter Notes:

Did the title grab your attention? Good. This is one of those random “it’s 4am and I can’t sleep” crack fics that I do every now and then.

Brush Burns & Cream in All the Wrong Places

Your ears turned a bright red as you glared at Joker. “No! Stop asking me!”

“C’mon, it’s just a simple yes or no question.”

“I am not telling you whether or not I have brush burns in my vagina!”

Word had gotten around the Normandy that you and Garrus had hooked up a few nights ago after EDI had walked in on the two of you in the act. You had a sneaking suspicion that Joker had played a part in the interruption, so you confronted him just a few moments ago. Unfortunately, he had managed to flip the conversation into his favor and was now grilling you for details.

“The guy’s like a walking skeleton, only uglier. Can’t imagine that was too comfortable for you. Were you on top?” he asked nonchalantly.

“Oh my god, Joker,” you said, exasperated. EDI was the only other person in the room, and you doubted she could comprehend what was really being said. But, anyone else could walk in without warning, and you were afraid they would overhear your conversation with Joker. “Why are you being such an ass?”

“Dunno. Might have to do with the fact that you put all my boxers in the damn freezer.”

“Says the guy that flung yogurt all over my bed!”


You were about to wring his neck until Shepard walked into the cockpit. He eyed the two of you suspiciously before asking Joker for the status of the Normandy.

“Everything’s looking a-okay, Commander. Only thing that’s wrong is there’s a new species of vermin called (First Name)s that have infested the cockpit. We need the Garrus Vakarian pesticide to get rid of it,” said Joker.

“Joker, if you didn’t have Brittle Bone Disease, I would’ve beat you to a bloody pulp by now,” you growled.

“(First Name), stop harassing Joker,” Shepard said warningly.

“W-W-What?! I… He…!” You pointed angrily at Joker. “He’s the one being extremely inappropriate!”

Shepard sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose before glancing at Joker. “Did you instigate this, Joker?”

“I… may have,” Joker replied hesitantly.

“Sometimes I feel like I’m babysitting a bunch of teenagers…” Shepard grumbled. “Alright, (First Name), you’re banned from the cockpit for a week. Joker, you’re no longer allowed to call (First Name) over the intercom. If you need her for something, contact me and I’ll talk with her.”

“C’mon, Commander, don’t tell me you’re not curious about how a human and turian can bang each other. Aren’t they, like, allergic to each other’s body fluids or something?” said Joker.

“Fine, Joker! I’ll answer your questions if it’ll get you to shut the hell up!” You huffed loudly. “Yes, my vagina feels like it’s on fire. Yes, I was on top and it was uncomfortable. And, yes! I had an allergic reaction and Mordin had to administer an antihistamine cream in places that I’d rather not talk about, all while Eve was in the room staring at me! There! Happy?!”

EDI looked over at Joker. “... Jeff, you do realize the public intercom is on, correct?”

“Oh, man, look at that!” Joker said overdramatically as he flipped off the intercom switch. “Looks like I accidentally switched on the intercom. Oh well, hope you don’t mind the entire crew knowing your business, (First Name).”

Shepard dragged you out of the cockpit while you screamed at Joker at the tops of your lungs, threatening to break his legs and eject him out the trash disposal duct.

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