Welcome, I already know why you are here (psychic!). You're here because you have a problem. But don't worry, you're not alone.
Every writer gets them and we all have moments where they really start to bother us.
No, not that loud old lady in the bathrobe skulking about in your attic. And not the spirit that took over your toaster after you played around with a Ouija board on a dare.
This type of ghost is a Fic-Haunter.
… the creepy music in the background was not necessary, but thank you to whoever just did that. Now I have chills. Lovely.
Ahem. As I was saying, this story haunting apparition is infamous among writers and is notoriously tricky to catch. They slip in and out before you even know they are there. Some say they can walk through walls, others say that they slam right into them like the rest of us.
Does anyone really know? Will anyone ever find out? Does bacon really taste better with your shirt off, or is the pervert in the corner just trying to get me naked?
We may never know.
There is also the question of just how to combat these ghastly creatures. People have tried begging, threatening, bribing, prostitution, assassination contracts, demon summoning, crazy hula dances, and exorcisms.
All to no avail.
…well, maybe not all of those have been tried, but you know you've thought about it!
So, anyway, do I come here claiming to have found the secret to ridding ourselves of these haunters?
Okay, I really have no clue! (But let us just pretend that I do and continue forward.)
However, I do have a list of things that I have been tempted to take a whack at, as I watch the story hit count go higher and higher with little to no reviews from the people floating evilly through my hard work!
The problem is that ghosts tend to leave no trace. And the majority of us are not super amazing hackers that could totally snatch up some IP addresses and track them down to throw pudding at their heads. Though, not all ghosts are quite so tricksy as it turns out, and some actually do leave evidence behind.
Such as the ones that favorite your stories without reviewing.
At first, rather flattering; eventually, really annoying. Plus side is, this type of ghost is easier to find. And for them, I have had several thoughts on things I would like to do.
So, here are some of my ideas!
1. As many people tend to have their instant messenger IDs conveniently posted in their profile information, you could use this to your advantage.
For example: Randomly IM this person with the word “review” over and over and over again until the message sinks in.
2. But, wait! We also have the option of email.
So, try emailing them with one long page that is a block of text screaming “REVIEWREVIEWREVIEW” from start to finish.
3. And if they themselves are writers as well? Try haunting their stories, leaving anonymous reviews proclaiming that you will eat their head if they don't start reviewing more.
4. There is also the option of hiring a hacker to get their home address. With that in your possession, you can send them a white sheet with the eye holes cut out. Just so they can wear the proper attire when ghosting about.
5. You can also use that same hacker to get into their account and post ghost pictures on their profile while laughing maniacally.
There you have it, five foolproof (untested, try at your own risk) ways to rid yourself of your ghost problems! And why haven't I tried this yet, you ask?
Well, I shall leave you to ponder that one for now!
Until next time~!
Disclaimer: Warning! Ghosts may not always be friendly! Exercise caution when approaching and be sure to have an onion and a copy of the New York Times (yes, it can even bore the dead the death) with you in your pursuit of these fiends. Be aware that Ghosts come in many forms, which include, but are not limited to: dead, purple, reptile, free floating, Nappa, slimy, kitty, stalker, lunch stealing, brain munching, and zombies on motorcycles.
...Not too sure where that last one came from, but it just flew by my window.
Sheet, hacker, photos, onion, New York Times, and brains sold separately. Zombies not included.